Finding Strength in Unexpected Places: A Personal Tale of Loss and Healing

Trigger Warning: Pregnancy Loss

A few weeks ago I started feeling sick and vomited during the night. I didn’t think it was possible to be pregnant but just to rule it out I took a home test and it was positive. I then rushed out and got a clear blue test and it said 2-3 weeks (estimated time since conception). Still in shock I called the dr and went for blood tests, and the next day they confirmed I was in fact pregnant, around 4 weeks. The following couple of weeks were an absolute rollercoaster of emotions. Part of me terrified, part of me excited. We didn’t tell anyone because after what I went through the first time I didn’t want anyone to worry. The first scan was set for 23 Nov when I’d be around 8 weeks and I wanted to wait until then before telling our family, just to make sure everything was ok. In the meantime I went for blood tests twice a week to ensure my hCG levels were increasing as normal. I had some spotting and cramping, so was concerned, but the bloods showed that the hCG was progressing correctly as it would in a healthy pregnancy. As time went on I started allowing myself to get a little excited, digging up my old maternity clothes and thinking about the idea of Allegra having a baby sibling and even the possibility of having a positive pregnancy and birth experience, which I missed out on the first time.

Then on Friday I was feeling absolutely exhausted, which I again suspected was normal. I lay down to rest late morning and woke up with severe lower back pain on the one side and cramping in the front. I took Panado and used a heat pack but the pain didn’t ease up. I called my dr only to find the offices were already closed for the weekend. I called the emergency number and they paged my dr who was on call. An angel on Earth, she told me to meet her at the hospital so she could check that everything was ok before the weekend, when she was going to be away. I couldn’t understand what she was seeing on the screen, but her face said it all. I had purposefully changed doctors to this one because I had heard how gentle and caring she was, but what I didn’t realise was that she is also an outstanding doctor and a phenomenal surgeon. As calmly as possible she explained to me and my husband that she suspected an ectopic pregnancy and that it was measuring quite big. It was in my fallopian tube and it had ruptured so I was bleeding internally which had caused the back pain. She said I would need to have surgery right away or I would quickly bleed out and die. I was in emotional shock. This was the second near-death experience I had experienced in the past few years - the first when my placenta abrupted and I came close to bleeding out when Allegra was born. My dr then had been very firm, and although this time my dr was explaining it calmly, I could sense the panic in her voice and heard the way she spoke to the surgical team on the phone saying they needed to prep the OR right away. I felt like my heart had stopped. My only thought was ‘I don’t want to leave Allegra’. I didn’t even want to tell my husband how scared I was and that I didn’t want to die, in case I did, and that would be the last thing he remembered me saying. I just told him how much I loved him and to tell Allegra I love her. I could tell he was in shock too. I didn’t know whether I should call my family or not because I didn’t want them to worry, but I was also honestly scared I wouldn’t make it and wouldn’t have the chance to tell them I love them. I just kept praying to God to please let me live and get me through the surgery.

Thurston had to leave to fetch Allegra from school and by the time he got back I was being wheeled into surgery. I hated that Allegra had to see me like that but my consolation is that she’s still young and that kids are a lot more resilient than adults.

To cut a long story short, the surgery went well. The team was fantastic. They managed to do keyhole surgery, although they had to remove the entire left fallopian tube as it had already ruptured and I was bleeding internally. They also discovered I have endometriosis and there is a possibility that I have a blood disorder that caused such bad bleeding. This is something they still need to examine and I have to go for more tests in a few weeks.

I spent that night in hospital, even on medication and sleeping pills I still barely slept and spent the night praying and meditating. So many things were going through my head and I suspect it will take many weeks and months to fully process what happened.

So many kind people reached out and even the one nurse told me she had been through the same procedure herself. The kindness of friends and strangers during hard times always surprises and astonishes me. The majority of people really do genuinely care and want to help.

I still have a long healing road ahead of me but I know that I am here for a reason and I am so grateful to be here to tell my story. I am grieving the loss of what was and the loss of a future I won’t have. I am focussing on what I do have and all that I have to be grateful for, while at the same time being gentle with myself.

I know that miracles happen everyday and that if it’s in God’s will it will happen, but for now I am not ready to consider trying to conceive another baby. It’s not worth risking my life to give Allegra a sibling. She needs her mom. I know I felt like this after she was born as well and it took me over 3 years to even consider having a 2nd, so never say never, but right now I need to focus on myself and my daughter and our healing as a family.